Being home for the summer has opened my eyes to so much about life. Although I am almost counting down the days until I get to leave the island again I find its not the island i want to leave at all, its my past i want to leave.  

The Island is wonderful. I love that breeeze you can feel at anypoint in the day coming from the beaches and the salty smell that you can always find. It is weird to say that one of the things i love the most is the salty smell of the ocean but it calms me. It is that feeling that i am at home, that even though everything else in life is falling apart and i can not manage to get the pieces to fit together again, that i wil always have a way to feel whole. The sunsets and even better the sinrises with the one person that will always hold a piece of my heart. The island will always represent the life i am trying to get back to. 

I want to leave all the mistakes, heartbreak, anger, fighting, abuse. Everything. Leave it in the past.

I am at the point in my life where I have no idea how to make things better. It feels like everything keeps happening and nothing is for the better. I cry more than I ever have and hate the fact that I can no longer keep my emotions in check. I feel totally stupid for it. 

Talking to Steven was supposed to help me move on, get closure, end the story. But the only thing that happened was he was able to feel like he apologized and got my approval to move on, and I yet again was left in pieces. I am not stuck in the past because I don't want things back to how they use to be. Yet im not in the future because I haven't moved on. I want him, but I want the him of now, I still love him so much, and it kills me to see that he learned from how badly he treated me and is so happy with out me. It might sound selfish but I cannot help it. Don't get me wrong I care a lot about him, and am so happy for him, im glad that he has found someone to make him happy. But it just kills me a little inside to know that he doesn't want me anymore. 

I feel helpless and lonely. I have no one to turn to anymore. He was my rock, he was my bestfriend, now, now thats all gone. He chose to let that go to have her. How could that have happend to me? How could I spend two years with someone and mean so little to just be thrown away for someone new?? 

Anatomy is making me feel like a total failure. I am literally unable to learn it. I fail, and its not because I don't try, its because I just can't, or I don't know how to work past it to actually remember some of it. I feel like im not cut out for this, I wont be able to make it, or finish, so why am i wasteing my time now?? 

I have been going to church and everything, but I feel like as much as I am screaming out, I can't hear the message he is sending to me. I read my bible and ask for help, but I just dont understand or hear the response. I've never felt this disconnected before, its the scariest feeling! I guess this is the point in life when I have to figure things out on my own. I need to be able to live and solve problems all on my own because honestly no one is going to always be there, you are going to have to pick up your own pieces and put them back together. Thats the biggest life lesson I've learned. 

I hope that my dad is realizing that hiding smoking again is a stupid decision. If he feels bad enough about it that he has to hide it maybe thats a sign that he shouldn't have picked the habit up again, but if he isn't going to quit then stop hiding it. That just seems silly to me, we aren't stupid, the whole family knows, we just don't talk about it. Im sick of pretending like everything is okay. Im always walking around, no matter where im at, with a fake smile on. I pretend life is perfect and everything is fine, i pretend I am actually happy. I miss feeling content, I miss feeling happy, I miss the feeling of being in his arms, I miss believing in forever!!